You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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