do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
