Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Randomize
