It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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