i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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