I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
