It was confusing and full of hummus
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
