This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
