so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Even the bartender felt bad for me
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
