I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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