how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I can't put those talents on a resume
sex in a hospital.. check
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
