I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
