Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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