remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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