Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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