Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
