So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
