I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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