the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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