mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
