When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
