You can't special order awesome
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
