woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
