Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
