no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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