I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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