Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
