I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize