remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
