never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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