D3 body, D1 cock
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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