I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
