My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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