just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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