K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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