I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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