I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
