Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
