I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
