i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
