They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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