I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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