I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
