I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
