yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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