i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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