Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
