My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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