So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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