And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
