he shaved USA in his pubs
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
