I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
