he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think your dad took our porno
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
