You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
