if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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