My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
