Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
