After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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