I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
