I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Why is there bacon in the couch?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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